Riza Hawkeye: Better Than a Vacuum
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: According to Roy Mustang, autumn brought with it a scourge upon mankind. Fortunately for him, Riza was better than the vacuum it took to get rid of the bane of his autumn existence.


**Riza Hawkeye: Better than a Vacuum**

**Author: MoonStarDutches**

**Oneshot Dedicated to Mals **

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA but I do own my idea. **

**Note: Working on your request next Red Walrus. ^_^  
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**Riza Hawkeye: Better than a Vacuum**

Fall had come upon Central City before anyone knew what hit them. It seemed like it wasn't even yesterday when summer was beginning and everyone was out in the city wearing their summer clothing. Now it was time to store the thin clothing and take out the thick heat containing fabrics to don. The air was graced with a crisp coolness and the leaves were falling and littering the ground, the occasional wind bringing them to rest in places where there weren't even any trees present.

Sadly, most of the people she knew hated this time of year for various reasons. Havoc mourned the loss of seeing the revealing clothing of some of the women in Central. Fuery missed being able to go into the park without getting cold. Falman missed taking his swims at the lake in the heat of the summer. Breda was big on going to the soccer games that took place in June, July and August.

As for Roy, she never knew why he hated fall so much. In fact, ever since they knew each other, he'd always commented and complained about every season of weather until he got used to it. After the first week of the season, he'd speak no more about it and merely let it go buy, dressing appropriately toward the temperature of the changing weather. Autumn was the only one he constantly sounded off on. This beautiful season was one of the few things that they disagreed about. He called it an ugly and a bane upon existence; she thought it was the most beautiful. The way the leaves changed from the uniform greens that graced the environment to the beautiful oranges, reds, and yellow colors was a sight she would never tire of seeing. She didn't understand how someone couldn't see the beauty in it.

"Good morning Captain Hawkeye," a young man said when she entered headquarters.

"A good morning to you too Lieutenant," she replied.

A small smile graced her lips as she made her way to the office. It was the first time she was address by that rank by someone that wasn't in the office; she'd only been promoted at the end of the previous day. It had always been her favorite rank in the military. The rank of captain had just enough responsibilities without going too far. She wanted to go no further because that meant leaving Roy, who was now a Brigadier General.

Everyone, including Roy, had been shocked when Fuehrer Armstrong actually promoted him. It was no secret that the two didn't like each other very well. Roy had been about to resign when Olivier had torn up the resignation, beamed him in the head with the case that contained the new bars and stars for his uniform, and told him to get his ass get back to his office until his new one was ready. She ran him out of her office before he could make any motion or speak any words of protest.

Riza chuckled at the memory and went to get the paperwork before heading to Roy's workplace. It would be about thirty minutes before he arrived. The other men had the day off so it would just be the two of them working through all of the paperwork. The men may have gotten a break but that didn't mean the paperwork lessened in the slightest. She walked to the office door and unlocked it. When she opened it she wasn't expecting what she saw.

"Sir! What are you doing?" she yelled. Roy was standing on his desk, his dress shirt, and jacket folded and sitting on the couch, leaving him in just his undershirt and uniform pants. Her eyes drifted along his muscular arms and broad chest for a moment, her stomach tingling in delight, before she realized where she was. While it was a pleasant sight, it wasn't proper for the office. The oddest thing about the scene, other than the fact he was standing on his desk of course, was the fact he was holding the hose to one of the new shop vacuums that recently came on the market.

He lowered the vacuum hose and stared at her for a minute, unflinchingly looking directly into her eyes. Finally, he jumped off the desk and coughed. He reached down toward the vacuum and flicked off the red switch, silencing the surprisingly quite machine. He straightened and placed a formal look on his face.

"Close the door, will you Captain Hawkeye?"

Riza nodded and did as he asked, taking the action an extra step further by locking the door. If someone walked in with Roy in the state of dress he was in, her there, and a vacuum sitting beside his desk, they would get some sort of crazy idea. It was in the nature of the men in the office to come up with anything dirty that they could when it came to the two of them. With a vacuum present in the room she could imagine what they would think up regarding a vacuum's…sucking capabilities.

Roy coughed again. "Hawkeye, as you know fall has come upon us."

"Yes Sir, I'm aware of the state of the season," she replied.

"I don't know if you have noticed but I have a particularly unpleasant attitude toward autumn."

"I've noticed," she said.

"That is because it is an ugly and annoying season that causes one of the banes of existence to appear."

"Banes?"

"Yes, banes," Roy said, motioning upward, "they are the scourges of mankind."

Riza looked up toward the light fixture and on the ceiling surrounding it were several dozen small insects. "Lady Bugs?" she said, and then looked back at her superior officer.

Roy's eyes widened. "Oh no Captain. These aren't ladybugs. . . They only... pose…as lady bugs. "He spoke in a tone that indicated extreme caution and foreboding.

"Would you like me to go get the doctor, Sir?"

Roy folded his arms. "No, I don't need a doctor. Hawkeye, those bugs are a menace to society. They are Xingese Lady Beetles. They pinch and are overall annoying."

"Okay, I see. Then why don't you squash them?"

Roy frowned. "Come over here for a minute," he said. Riza didn't move. "Please."

Riza sat down the papers in her arms and walked over to him as he reached up to get one of the bugs with the hose. When one crawled on it, he carefully lowered it to eye level.

"Hold this hose," he said.

Riza took it and Roy grabbed a piece of paper. He placed one arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. She found herself hoping her cheeks didn't flush. He took the paper and squashed the bug.

"So what… oh my… that's vile," she said as a horrible smell came wafting to her senses. It smelled like someone was trying to burn a polystyrene container.

"Exactly," Roy said, opening the paper to reveal a squashed bug and a yellow stain on the paper. "They excrete this yellow crap. They are everywhere every fall. No matter how much I seal my house they are always around."

"I'll call the exterminators for you then, Sir."

"It doesn't work! I had them come in four times one year." Roy tossed the bug and paper in the garbage can. He turned to Riza and pulled her into a hug, resting his forehead on her shoulder. "They drive me insane captain," he said as if he was in some sort of emotional pain.

"I see…" she said, trying to will her heartbeat from speeding up at his close contact. As much as she was enjoying it, it was improper for a work environment. "Well Sir, you shouldn't be doing such menial labor. Have the cleaning staff vacuum them up after work. Until then I'm sure you can put up with them for the day." She pulled away. "You should put your coat and jacket back on before someone sees you, other than me."

She walked over to the table to pick up the paperwork and paused when she heard him laugh. "You don't think I look good captain? I've been working out you know."

"Believe me, I could tell when you fought Lust a while ago," Riza muttered and walked over to his desk, this time the blush finding its way onto her cheeks despite it being very undesirable. She sat the papers on his desk.

"What did you say?" Roy asked as he slipped on his shirt and jacket.

"I said that's good sir," she said and turned around when she felt the heat on her cheeks fade.

Roy was adjusting the collar on his white shirt. "Is it straight?"

"Yes," she said.

Roy slipped on his jacket, buttoned it, then zipped the section under the flap. He tinkered with his collar on the jacket. "A little to the left," Riza said.

"Now?" Roy asked after he did what she directed.

"No. Move it a bit to the right."

"Now?"

Riza shook her head, walked over to him, and reached up to his collar. She frowned. "When was the last time you starched your uniform?"

"It's been a while because my drycleaners are undergoing remodeling."

"I'll drop by your place and you can give your uniforms to me. I'll do them for you," she said, still fiddling with his collar.

"You'd do that?"

"Of course," she said as she finished with his collar. "That should do for now. Fortunately you are the highest ranking officer present in Central at the moment since Fuehrer Armstrong isn't in the city right now. No one can reprimand you."

Roy lifted his hand to her waist to keep her from pulling away. "I…I like being this close to you."

Riza blushed, they hadn't been that close since her injury when they were fighting against the gate being opened. She forced herself to pull away and walked over to her desk. "Evidently."

Roy frowned and sat down at his desk. He heaved a huge sigh. "You don't like it?"

"It would be fine if it wasn't at work," she said.

Roy smirked at her, "Are you saying you want to go out on a date?"

"I said nothing of the sort," she said.

"But if I asked, would you go?"

"If you do your paperwork."

"Pick you up at seven tonight?"

"If you do your paperwork," she said, humor lacing her voice.

Roy began doing his work earnestly, eager to earn a date with his beautiful captain.

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A few hours later, he was still working when a yawn escaped him. He leaned back and stretched. He yawned again but jumped when he felt a few items fall into his mouth. He began coughing and found himself automatically swallowing the items. A vile taste came across his tongue and he started gagging.

Riza shot from her chair and rushed over to him. "Sir! Are you alright?"

"Water!"

Riza ran out of the office and came back with a big glass filled with water. He took it and drank the liquid down. He swashed the last bit of liquid in the cup in his mouth and spit it out in the garbage can.

"What happened?"

Roy's nose wrinkled. "I swallowed one or more of those damned bugs!"

Riza stared at him for a moment then began laughing. "All that drama because of bugs?"

"They taste like sour ass!"

She raised her eyebrow, "Just how does an ass get sour and how do you know what it taste like?"

"Hawkeye, this is nothing to joke about," he said, looking up at her. Their faces were so close that all he'd have to do would be to angle his head and he could kiss her. He gazed at her lips, seeing a slight shine upon them.

"Are you wearing lip-gloss?"

"Yes. Why?"

He kissed her quickly, running his tongue across her lips for a moment as he did so. When he pulled away, he smirked. "Cherry. Like always. It hides the taste of those bugs." He then went back to his paperwork, leaving her speechless.

After a moment, she went back over to her desk and began working. Half and hour later, her eyebrow twitched when she heard a light tapping. She tried to hold in her annoyance but it soon became too much.

"Sir, could you stop tapping?"

"It's not me," he growled.

She looked up and, sure enough, Roy wasn't tapping on anything. Roy motioned upward and she saw that the bugs were flying and tapping on the ceiling and light fixture in random intervals.

"I see… we'll just," Tap, "have," tap, "to" tap, "ignore"… "Damn it!" Suddenly she had enough. She took out her gun and shot the ceiling. Parts of the plaster on the ceiling and the light fixture crashed to the floor. A large poof of white dusk ascended into the room's environment, causing the pests to scatter out of the slightly opened window.

Roy paled at first, but then smiled pleasantly now that the bugs were gone.

For the rest of the autumn season, not one lady beetle showed up in the office. His captain was certainly better than a vacuum any day.

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**AN: I don't know if this is just a US East Coast/Midwest issue or not but there's these things called Asian Lady Beetles that look like lady bugs that invade homes. Despite my home being very well sealed they still manage to get in and hang out. They are annoying and there's nothing to get rid of them other than vacuuming them up. They stick horribly if they are squashed. This fic came about when I actually swallowed one of those disgusting things not knowing it flew in my coffee. I hate them. . . Anyway, this fic is random but I needed it out of my head after Mals stuck it there. Thanks for reading and please drop a review.**


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